Tuesday, April 1, 2014

★Time-Line of My life.★

So, I've wanted to do a "Draw My Life" but I didn't want to get so emotional about everything. Not emotional in a bad way, but in a good way...well partially.  I feel though that it's necessary that I do express the constant battles I face everyday because I think that maybe it could just help someone in need.

1990: I was born in Indianapolis, Indiana on June 7th of 1990. I do know my father was there when I was born because he was the one who named me, but soon after my father left. My mother, brother and I had to move in with my grandmother, which now I have to say that I really appreciate all that she's done.

1992/1993: I'm not sure when this happened exactly. I think possibly I was about to turn 3 years of age, but my mother had a breakdown, and was sent to the hospital. My Grandmother was too old to take care of us, and was just living on her retirement so my brother and I were sent to foster care.

1993-95:  After a while my older brother began fighting with the other kids in the foster home we were placed in because they were picking on me, and he didn't like that. My brother eventually was taken to another home, and I stayed there. It was one of the hardest things ever because my brother at the time was the only family I had. The family I was staying with was going to adopt me, but the government gave my father an ultimatum to either come get his kids, or we'll be adopted. My father came and got us.

95-98: I never knew how much my mother sacrificed just to make sure my brother and I had nice things as a kid. She worked a couple jobs, and so did my father, but there was so much fighting in the home. My father claims that he never hit my mother, but I know that's not true. I remember once when my father hit my mother, and I hid behind our broken washer screaming for him to stop, and once he pulled a knife out on her. He never hit us kids though, but still abuse is abuse!  When I turned 8, my mother had another break down, which she was taken to the hospital. That's when my mother was diagnosed with depression, and Schizophrenia. What I found out was that my father had been having an affair when my mother's break down  occur, and he took us over to her house to stay the night there. Close to the middle of 98 my father and mother divorced. I remember sitting in the court room having my father's family hovering over me stating that I needed to choose my father because I knew that my father couldn't take care of me. That happened to be the worse decision of my life. As soon as we could, we moved out of the apartments we were living in, and in with my father's girlfriend who soon became his wife. It's not so much that I mind my father had a girlfriend, but she was abusive towards me, and I couldn't  quite understand why. She would call me names such as "Bitch Face" and other things.

99-2000: I started misbehaving in Elementary school, and my Step-mom at the time was swearing up and down that I was going to end up like my mother, and that I had "problems" but the only problems I had was the neglect and abuse at home. Once I had said something really stupid to the neighborhood kids, and they told my dad, that's when he took out his belt and beat me shit-less. That's also when CPS (child protective services) got involved, but they said there was no "evidence" that I was being constantly abused but my father was warned not to use a belt against me again. I kind of wish they would take me away.  As time progressed I only got worse, and obviously I was trying to say "Hey, look obviously something isn't right here!"  However, my step-mom had convinced my father that I needed to be hospitalized, and she got her way. I was placed in the hospital, and to be honest I felt as if I was in a safe haven because I wasn't at home but eventually I went home. I did have a few friends too, but I rarely got to play with them. I was sitting at the table, and they would come up to see if I could come outside, but my step-mom would just tell them "no" in a bitchy tone. I was basically a prisoner in my own home.

2000-2005: Nothing much had changed. For a while my dad took a break from my step-mom which made me happy but didn't make my home life any better. Since I could remember, I was always blamed for his failure in relationships, financial issues, and that I was basically going nowhere with my life. This is what triggered my big cycle of depression, and anxiety. None of my psychologist nor any of my psychiatrist believed me that I would do so much better if I was just removed out of my home. No, instead I was just kicked out of my old middle school, and placed into a quote unquote alternative school. That was about when I was 13 or so. I don't regret it because I wouldn't have met my best friend/Sister Sarah there. She was determined to break through my tough exterior of hate and anger. She succeeded of course, and she proved to be someone I could rely on for all of my life. Also at this time is when I discovered that writing lyrics, stories, and music was my savior. When I was about 14 years of age my step mom came back, and I agreed that I would try to get along with her, obviously that didn't happen. I tried making small talk with her, but I couldn't get through to her. A few months later I ended up in the hospital again because of my "behavior" at school. When I came back, all my stuff was packed up, and pushed against the living room wall, which all my stories that I had worked so hard on were thrown away. I was so angry that I could just scream, but I just kept it in.

About half way through the year in the spring my brother and my father got into a huge fight. He was going to move out because he just couldn't take the way my father was treating us. I guess they got into a horrible fight, but my brother did make my dad see what my "stepmom" was doing to me, and I finally chimed up that her son threatened to kill me, because I took his bike and rode around the block to go hang out with friends. What did they expect me to do? I was tired of being inside the house. It did teach me one thing though, sometimes people who pretend to be your friend, aren't really your friend.  My stepmom packed her things, and moved out. I had been moved to another bus stop because the kids on my other stop kept bullying me. Eventually I got to go back to my old middle school, and at the beginning of things it was great. I got really good grades, and my home life was a bit more at peace. I applied for the international bacculareate program and was accepted. That's where I met my other friends. Even though we don't talk as much as we use to, I still consider them my friends. I also would stay the night at Sarah's house often, however my father always bitched about driving it.  The first school year didn't go so well. My father began to bitch again that I was the cause for his life being so horrible, yet he didnt't mind using all of the welfare/child support money to take care of himself more than us kids. Even my brother's check was tuck greedily into my father's pocket, and he didn't even live there. My brother had more guts than me to leave, I was too sympathetic and said I didn't want to feel as if I was abandoning my dad.

This continued on until I couldn't take it anymore. I took my anti-depressants I was on, and took them as an attempt to kill myself. It was a failed attempt, but  my father was more pissed off at me, than worried. I guess I owe my mother a lot because I had called her to say I love her, and good bye. She instinctively called the police, and they sent out an ambulance. As I was walking down the street, it came down, and I had a choice to make. Either flag it down, or let it move on. I chose to flag it down. Not sure why, but I did. In my mind I couldn't help but recall everything in my life that I've done to my mom. I never knew what exactly was wrong with me, but I will get to that closer to the end.  I was in the hospital for about 8 hours, and the doctor asked how I was. I was actually really pissed because the nurse's saw it as some joke that I had attempted to kill myself with only said amount of pills. They sent me for a psychiatric visit at my regular hospital but suggested that I should go ahead and try to get back into my normal routine. So, I told my friends what happened, and they were concerned (they smacked my hand). They told me to go let them know if I needed to talk, but living in an environment where once false word could cause a war to start just made me too delicate to just express how I feel. Sarah's parents were asking me to allow them to adopt me, but I refused. Again, worse decision ever, but then again I wouldn't be who I am today without that decision. They moved to Lafeyette, Indiana, and I went to visit sometimes. Two weeks after my suicide attempt, my best friend got into a car accident. I had stayed after to help one of the teachers with the snakes, and I didn't find out until I got home late. My friend was on the phone saying that she was dead, and I just wanted to think it was a joke. It wasn't. I was able to go to her funeral, but I couldn't help but in someway feel guilty or responsible, especially since I acted to selfishly.  If that didn't make matters anymore, the dog my dad had gotten me a while ago was ill. She was a german shepard husky mix and she was my protector. Whenever my father would go in a rage mode, yell, or even stormed close to me she would growl at him. She had gotten something from the neighbors next door, and after my 16th birthday, I asked for her to be put down. She knew it was time, and I couldn't bare to see her in pain anymore. I never in my life seen my dad cry so much.

Relationship wise: The longest relationship I had was with this guy name Derek, well he went to a different school, and I come to find out that he was cheating on me with another girl. Beautiful right? So, that was my first heart break. It was good for me too, because I ran into his brother, and he said he dropped out of high school and everything. Sorry, but I prefer someone with a bit more of an education background.


2006-2010: When I was 16 we moved from the house to the apartment. At that too, I had began to get online more often because I needed some form of escape. Most of the time was spent typing up stories, or listening to music. My father after while would yell and snap because I spent too much time on there. It's not like I could watch television or anything considering he hogged the television and he took mine because when I was living int he house they got tired of me leaving the television on at night. The apartment didn't feel right. The air was thick, and honestly I think there was something there, that or my father had just dig him a whole in financial debt and wanted someone to blame it on. Guess who that lucky person was. Thankfully I had headphones, and paper to write on. In high school however, the kids bullied me aside from my friends. They claimed that I was a witch, and was writing spells to kill them. I did have thoughts of smacking them upside the head, but I was writing lyrics. Also at the time, My love for rock music boomed. I was reciting lyrics from a Dir En Grey song, but the school was really concerned about me, and think that I needed to seek professional help. It didn't matter anyways because the first semester of school I had been throwing up all over the place, which my father claimed up and down that I was pregnant. I wasn't. He finally took me to a doctor, and they stated I had a bacterial infection in my stomach. Smooth move dad!  Way to make yourself look like a big douche bag.  I did however met this one guy who went to my school who added me on facebook.  I agree to meet up with him, and we met after school. I didn't mind how he looked, but he was quite forceful.  The idea of having sex when I was in high school was a no go, and this guy obviously wanted it bad. He took me to his house to meet his family, and well I made up any excuse to stay outside in the dining room to play uno. I mean, I was not feeling safe at all with this guy, and I seen him get very very angry towards his mother.

When I got home, I called him, and told him that I just didn't think it was going to work out. Also that if he gets so angry that he hits his family, then how can I be sure he wouldn't do that to me. Of course I learned the whole thing about "but baby I promise I won't"  I wasn't taking any chances. I hung up, and then get a call from his sister saying that he's freaking out and going on a tangent, and how it's my fault he is being kicked out. I don't think so. This guy obviously could possibly harm or kill me if I pissed him off enough, so I did not feel at fault. I let it go the next day.

Come the next school year, I find out that I can't attend it because it's not my district school. I was in disbelief, and in tears. It was bad enough my friend had passed away, but now I was being ripped away from the only friends I had. That's when I started Emmerich Manual High school. Ah Manual high school, how does one express thy school before it was turned into a charter school?  It wasn't so horrible. At first, I became with one of the most  um dedicated religious person ever. However, one thing that got on my nerves was her constantly pointing out everything that is wrong with someone's life. Honestly, you slept through half your classes!  She was however, a good person, but then I met someone with my interests. We had became really close, but at one time, she began bullying me. She had called me and began teasing me because I had invited her girlfriend over to sleep over, and she was invited as well, but chose to go party which pissed me off as well because I was being treated this way after we took her in when her father threw her out! It was absolutely outrageous. Eventually I forgave her but in the long run, our relationship was so severed that it could not be mended, and I thought about everything I had been influenced to do by her. Not saying she's a horrible person, but yes peer pressure was involved. Aka, I skipped my senior year, and I took the blame for her. I said that she had been going to class, and it was just me not going.  Eventually she moved back with her dad, which made me happy because I got my room back!  I had decided that I should repeat my senior year even though my father was trying to convince me to do otherwise, and just take night classes, but I didn't want that. I wanted a diploma.


I needed some classes to fill in and so I decided to take french. That class of all time has to be my favorite because not only was the teacher so nice, but I also met one of my best friends, who is actually a friend I still keep in contact with on a constant basis! She really pushed me to graduate, as well as some of the teachers. I was close however to getting arrested because I was over 18 at the time, and I had gotten in my first fist fight which happened to be someone under 18. However, the vice principle stuck up for me, and that kind of woke me up. I'm a big person on honor, and I knew it would be dishonorable if I did not graduate after she stuck up for me. So, I learned to handle my father at home, and kids at school. There were some hiccups, but I never got in trouble for them. I just kind of well stood up for myself, except there was that one time I was sent out of class for being too happy. Like WTF?  To shorten this part, I graduated, and I cried, boy did I cry because I had actually accomplished it. And I passed the graduation qualifying exam right on the mark. I also managed to get a job, but it wasn't enough because my dad still had problems, actually my dad was barely at home during my last year of school, and after.  I also had a boyfriend and it was a long distant relationship blah blah blah, well basically he turned out to be a wackadoo so any plans of having him move here were immediately terminated.I mean this guy got pissed off because my best friend paid for me to get my ears pierced. Not only that, but he also hit on my best friend and told her he'd wait until she was of age. When she told me this, I knew I had a friend for life. He admitted to it too, and my heart just shattered but I played it off as if it was nothing. Well, it got worse. I would be verbally abused, but when it came to the point that he threatened to kill my friend and I, I told him it was over.

 I didn't want to let breaking up with stop me from dating someone else so I found another boyfriend, and I stupidly let something pass off as an "okay thing" just for the sake of having someone.He did something really bad, and I mean bad!  Listen ladies, if someone makes you do something that you don't want to do, get help! Tell him to go fuck himself, and get help. Needless to say, I've come to not trust him, because a girl messaged asking me if I was his girlfriend, and I was like "I have been for the past 3 months" and she told me all this bullshit about how he was going to meet her, and shit. Then I confronted him, and he told me that he did it to "test me" but I knew what was the truth. He was cheating, the scuzzy little shit was cheating, which explains why he went to the bathroom to talk with me on the phone. I was in so much disbelief, and I went into another depression, but my best friend was there yet again to save me. As well as my sis because she asked if I could come up to visit.

I had worked for the zoo for two years. I loved face painting, and everything but it just wasn't enough because it was seasonal, and commission only. I also wanted to go back to school, but my father would get so angry when I ask for things so I could fill out financial aid. Honestly, he didn't get this whole financial aid process. I guess I never understood why until it hit me that he really wasn't raised in America all his life, which means my grandmother wasn't either. He moved from Germany when he was 7 years old, and I learned some things about him, but it doesn't excuse how he treated me.

In 2012 I moved in with my Grandmother. Technically, my father and I moved in but he just disappeared over time. He told me to stay there, and to help my Grandmother out. I paid rent, and I was going to school, but even by her I was accused of not working, and skipping class. It was September and my father asked me when I was going to move with Ashley. I didn't think he listened or remember that I could not afford to live on my own, even with me switching jobs. It was not possible. He began to rant and rave about it and that's when Sarah's parents words echo in my head. "When you're ready, call us" and so I did. In December, I was going to move up to Wisconsin, and transfer to another college.  The months passed on slowly, and I just couldn't wait to get out of this house. I was going insane just being in Indianapolis alone, and I was having so much pressure put on me. December hit, and it was also close to the new year.

My father helped me move everything up here, and I saw sadness in his eyes, but I don't think he quite understood what he was doing to me. He was dropping me on someone else's doorstep, tossing me aside. I don't regret it, but it does hurt because it's not like I wasn't doing nothing with my life, and plus it was a hard economy. I was accepted into the college I had applied to, and I was so proud of myself, but there were the constant battles within myself, and also I was trying to work a part-time job with full time hours. Needless to say, it wasn't good for my health because of the situation with my father, school, and work. Come mid-way through my first semester the pressure got to me, and I caved. I had attempted suicide only to realize what I had done, and called for help.  Wisconsin, however, has a law that if someone is endangering themselves then they must be hospitalized for at least 72 hours. I was out by 24 thankfully, but I'm actually happy that this kind of law is active. So, I began seeing a psychiatrist and he prescribed me an anti-depressant, and this was the second person who believed me that I am not exaggerating about things.

Prior, I was seeing a psychologist, the only psychologist in my life who believes that I'm not just exaggerating. He said that he thinks that I'm what is called an Indigo Child. He also stated that I do have high anxiety, depression, but also PTSD because of the life I lived with my father. I never got to see my medical records, and my father never told me exactly what the doctor's said I have. As time passed by, it got a bit better, but there were instances where I would just break down, or when I would upset someone so much and they start another yelling match, all I saw were things of my past. PTSD, this diagnosis made everything seem so much clearer. Now, I'm not going to allow these to justify me as a person, but there are things that I'm working on getting help with, and if someone reads this with the same issue, I hope you get help too.

As time went by, I got better, and better, however I felt as if I was losing some part of me. It drove me insane, and yet again made me depressed. I wasn't working either because I was told it would not be good to work and go to school at the same time, which I understood, but at the same time I couldn't help but feel as if I was a burden to the family that graciously took me in. Overtime, that feeling left, and I started realizing that I was in school, and I was working my ass off to make this 2nd semester better than the first. It did indeed improve. There are still struggles, no doubt about that.

About that nagging feeling in me about losing a part of me? I found it with the help of a certain someone. Though they will never know it, but he actually made me realize what I am here for, and what I want to do in the future. That man is no one other than Tom Hiddleston. Yes, I said it, Tom Hiddleston. I was bored, and randomly thought to myself "I wonder if he has a twitter" and he surely did! I was scrolling through it, and he had posted photos of him working with unicef, and then it clicked. That little piece that I was missing was the piece that made me want to take my story, and use it to help others with. This whole mess that I typed, I typed because I want someone to take what I've experienced in hopes that it would help them in some way or another. I have a lot of people I look up to, but he just helped me realized that I was losing the kindness, and love in my heart. I still have that in my heart too.


Of course, my best friend who is in Indianapolis is still by my side, and so is the family that took me in. I'm going to be honest that past week has not been easy for me, and I shouldn't act as if everything is okay. I let it get bad again, but today I took a step and sought out help at my school. Thankfully, because of the hours of my class schedule, and because of the late placement for clinical hours for the education classes, I am able to not worry about the hours, and I will be transferring from my other university. That however will be posted in another video. A lot has happened, but I've had things come to my attention that remind me that I am still in a war, but I'd be damned if I lost it. Below I will post songs that have kind of helped me with this transition of my life. I hope you guys do take some of this information, and really use it to help you. Life is precious, and people who go through tough things have a meaning, and a purpose. As soon, as this semester is over, I am going to be volunteering with a tutoring program, because I think it'd be nice. Well, this is it for now, and I promise blogs like this won't be this long ever again.. maybe.



Songs:

Skyscraper-Demi Lovato
Warrior-Demi Lovato
Keep on Keepin on- Travie Mccoy (Feat. Brendon Urie)
Lost in the Echo-Linkin Park
Iridescent-Linkin Park
Robot boy-Linkin Park
Ah hah! -LM.C
Who you are-Jessie J
Who's laughing now- Jessie J

(Just to name a few!)

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