Saturday, October 11, 2014

★Reason For My Long Absence★

It has truly been far too long my dear friends. I have been gone but there are reasons as to why I have not been around. Those reasons will be listed below but surely sometime this week I will start picking up to where I left off.

One of the reasons I haven't been doing much is because during the summer I had a job in which it took up some time. I was also traveling and going to concerts so a lot of the time I was too tired to do much or just the will to do anything wasn't there. I eventually gotten fired from my job, and well I was highly disappointed because I had never gotten fired and because it was over losing coupons. School began shortly after and then homework began to preoccupy my time. I wouldn't say it's because of my boyfriend because he encourages me to continue to do what I need to do. I had began shooting a back to school segment in which I was going to show off my new college, this however came to an end when I received a call on September 7th from my Aunt. That day, one of my worst fears came true, my Mother had passed away.

I wasn't given the full extent detail but it had taken a toll on me. I stopped all production of my back to school segment, and eventually just disappeared. I was still active on my private facebook account but not my fanpage and I apologize for not leaving any form of notification on my facebook but some things were posted to my twitter account. At the end of the following week after I received the phone call I had traveled down to Indianapolis to clean out my Mother's apartment. I had never thought that at the age of 24 that I would be cleaning out her apartment because she would no longer be there. It saddens me at the thought of never being able to speak to her again. During the weekend things became worse. My dog Simon had pneumonia. It was hard but I knew that my family here in Kenosha, my "adopted" father if you will, was doing the best he could. That time I looked up to the sky and said to God directly "It's not fair. I accepted you've taken my mother but you can NOT have Simon"

The day after the funeral we packed up and began to head home. I just wanted to get back to Simon. I wanted to make sure that he would be better. The good news is that he is all better, and howling louder than ever. I'm so thankful for that. A big reason I have been able to cope with the lost of my Mother is because of the support I have. My new college has been tremendously caring and making sure that I am taking the necessary time I need to heal but my Mother would want me in class, learning. From all this I discovered a connection between me and my Mother that will keep us together, English Literature and Writing. As my Aunts and Uncle told me stories about my Mother I would here how much she loved to read, and write. How she loved doing crosswords but most importantly my love for reading is there because she taught me how to read. She nurtured my creativity, and supported me in whatever I did. I am thankful. I'm not going to lie and say that her death didn't take me by surprise, but I'm not going to pretend that she was perfectly healthy.

My mother was diagnosed with Schizophrenia when I was younger, and for years she lived with it. Her health deteriorated because she didn't have the adequate care. She would never bother for help unless if she needed it desperately because she felt as if she was inconveniencing someone. I am thankful to know before she went how much she had sacrificed for my brother and I, I miss her terribly, but I know she would want me to live on.

When I finally had all the correct pieces onto her cause of death I won't go into details but simply say that she had multiple strokes and that she didn't feel anything. She was brought back to life by paramedics but since my Aunt and Uncle were not able to get a hold of me they took her off of life support. Ultimately, I would have done the same. I know she's watching over me but my Mother left me a gift. The gift in realizing that I am not alone to bare this pain, or to heal. Everyone has truly been wonderful and for that I am grateful. My teachers have all been supportive, as well as the dean of students and the family I live with now. Also my boyfriend, and my dearest friends, thank you. This is the song I played for her whenever I need to express anything. Many of you will know this song.

I love you Mom, and I always will. I can't imagine life without you because you are the one who gave it to me. I know you are not suffering anymore, and I know I will still hurt but I won't be selfish. Tell Grandpa I said hi.

We know full well there's just time
So is it wrong to dance this line?
If your heart was full of love
Could you give it up?

Coz what about what about Angels...
They will come, They will come and make us special
Don't give me up
Don't give me up 

How unfair it's just our luck,
Found something real that's out of touch.
But if you'd search the whole wide world...
Would you dare to let it go?

Coz what about what about Angels...
They will come, They will come and make us special
Don't give me up
Don't give me up 

Coz what about what about angels...
They will come they will go and make us special
It's not about, not about angels

Song and Lyrics Belong to Birdy. Check out her youtube @

Birdy's Youtube

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