Tuesday, August 30, 2016

★ Dear Mom: If You Could See Me Now ★

This is a post of raw emotions. My psychologist that I'm seeing for grief counseling suggested I write a letter to my Mom. It's full of emotion, and tears. I miss you Mom.

Dear Mom,

I’m not sure how to even start this letter. This comes during  a time where I think that I am at peace but I know that that’s not true because I’m still learning to let you go.  As of right now I’m watching my friend's parent’s dogs. I thought about whether starting this letter now or starting it sometime when I’m home by myself but I think that the most secure thing to do is to type this while I’m in the company of loving dogs that I’m sure you would love too. I know you know about Simon and here’s sleeping on the recliner claiming it as his own “thrown” and doesn’t seem to be moving any time soon. I had put the twins to bed as I’m sure you may have seen and I have Barney laying at the opposite end of the couch which is his usual spot when it’s time to settle down.

There is so much I have to say that I’m afraid won’t be fully said in the letter but I can at least try. I’ll start from the night you passed away. I had called the previous night to tell you how the first week of the semester went. You weren’t feeling well so I thought that I’d let you rest but something told me to suggest you to go to the hospital but I decided that I wouldn’t push you to do it. I did remember saying that if it got worse to please get help. I was worried about you.  I had no idea it would be the last time that I would speak with you but I’m happy to at least had the chance to say I love you, and good bye.  I do know and understand that none of this is my fault and there is nothing that I could have done to change what had happened. I do however feel guilty that I couldn’t see you to see you as a physical person and at least say good bye that way.  The day I got the phone call I felt my whole world fall apart. Like a mirror breaking into a million pieces. Over and over in my head I heard my world shatter before me.  I still went to class the day after I got the phone call, which made the dean of students really concerned for me but I know that you wouldn’t have wanted me to miss class. I did take the day before off and a couple days after I got back off. I know there was not much I could do since everything was in a different state. I still don’t feel regret for moving to Wisconsin because I think this is where I was meant to be in my life. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there. I would change that if I could.

There has been some regret within me. I remember the time you said that if you were to go that you wouldn’t want me to be sad but I can’t help but feel sad because you are no longer here. My phone no longer rings and I can no longer hear your voice messages. In my frustrations I guess I just deleted all of them because I didn’t want to be reminded that you’re no longer there. I changed my number because you were the only reason I had an Indiana number. I thought that was me saying good bye, but it wasn’t. I haven’t said good bye yet.

There is a lot of regret of me not being there when you passed away. There is a tremendous amount of regret that I didn’t get to see you as a whole human being. At the same time I’m relieved because I don’t know if I could have made the decision to pull the plug or not since you were on life support. I don’t think that it would have been good for me mentally.

I guess I will just air out my grievances to you this way. When I was younger, and we were in court for custody of Alex and me, we were forced to say that we knew you couldn’t take care of us. It hurts me thinking of the heart break you must have felt, but I know never once you blamed us. I wish I could have changed it because I did want to live with you but I was 6 or 7. The weekends though I treasured the most. I’m sorry that I was explosive towards you. I never knew how much you sacrificed for Alex and I until I gotten older. Also, I’m sorry to have taken out my anger out on you. I was young, and lost and I felt that I could only release so much with you, but I know you stood there powerless and unsure on how to help. Also, it turns out that I have bi polar.

When I was younger mom, there was so much that I didn’t understand and I didn’t understand all that you were going through. I didn't understand what your condition was with your Schizophrenia. I just know that you were trying your best to provide for us.  I want you to know that I wouldn’t be where I am without you and your unconditional love. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you.  There was a lot of things as a young child that I didn’t understand. There were a lot of things that you did that angered me, but I wasn’t so much angry but angry at myself that I couldn’t do anything.

As a child, when I saw you getting hit, I could do nothing but hide. I couldn’t help you anymore than I could as an adult. I knew that you were fighting demons inside of you that couldn’t escape, but I couldn’t stay and try to fix you when me as a person needed to be fixed. I want you to know that I never blamed you for anything that happened to you or for your mental health. When you began having your drinking problem I couldn’t help but be upset. Especially when I came down to visit and you were drunk. I felt like you let me down, and I know that there wasn’t much you could do.  I’m sorry that I got frustrated and kept our conversations short. I guess I got caught up in living my life up here. If I had known that time was that limited I would have given you all of my time, but know that it is because of you that I am in college and that I am getting my education. At the memorial service, everything that was said about you is almost identical to me. My love for writing, and reading and learning new things is from you. You did not fail as a parent, but instead you exceeded expectation. I never wanted you to feel that you’ve done any less. I don’t know what else to say. Each day is a struggle, but I know you’re happy that I had so many people good people around. You are my hero, and will always be in my heart. I’m sorry for how I acted, and I know there are things I’ve done that I can’t take back, so I’ll push forward and live a better life. I miss you so much. Here are some lyrics  that I found that have helped me out. I know you always liked the music I listened to because it wasn’t too extreme…or well some of the bands weren’t.

"If You Could See Me Now"
The Script

It was February 14 Valentine's Day
The roses came but they took you away
Tattooed on my arm is a charm to disarm all the harm
Gotta keep myself calm but the truth is you're gone
And I'll never get to show you these songs
Dad you should see the tours that I'm on
I see you standing there next to Mom
Both singing along, yeah arm in arm
Now there are days when I'm losing my faith
Because the man wasn't good he was great
He'd say "Music was the home for your pain"
And explain I was young, he would say
Take that rage, put it on a page
Take the page to the stage
Blow the roof off the place
I'm trying to make you proud
Do everything you did
I hope you're up there with God saying "That's my kid!"

I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now
(Oh if you could see me now)
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)
If you could see me now would you recognize me?
Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me?
Would you follow every line on my tear-stained face
Put your hand on a heart that was cold
As the day you were taken away?

I know it's been a while but I can see you clear as day
Right now, I wish I could hear you say
I drink too much, and I smoke too much dutch
But if you can't see me now that shit's a must
You used to say I won't know a win till it cost me
Like I won't know real love till I've loved and I've lost it
So if you've lost a sister, someone's lost a mom
And if you've lost a dad then someone's lost a son
And they're all missing out, yeah they're all missing out
So if you get a second to look down on me now
Mom, Dad I'm just missing you now

I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

Oh, oh
Would you call me a saint or a sinner?
Would you love me a loser or winner?
Oh, oh
When I see my face in the mirror
We look so alike that it makes me shiver

I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)
Yeah I'm just missing you now

I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow
Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

You could see, you could see me now [x2]

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