Wednesday, January 4, 2017

★The Truth About Grief and the Holidays★

Well, J-term at my college has officially started. I survived the holidays once again.  It has officially been 2 years and 5 months since my mother had passed away. I am still somewhat in shock, and as I sort through some old CD's, memories flood in my head about the times we would sit together and listen to them. My mom especially loved L'arc~en~ciel, and Hyde. She was happy to know that I had positive influences in music, but the truth is, I do not think that I will fully heal from the loss of my mother.

I won't say that my holidays were bad because they weren't, in fact I had a wonderful holiday but it still just felt empty. As I sent texts to various of people wishing them a great Holiday and apologizing for not being able to make it down to Indianapolis, I still felt like there was one more person I had to say "Happy Birthday" and  "Merry Christmas" followed by a "Happy New Year" to.  The truth is while everyone is being merry and having a good time, something deep inside me is constantly stabbing at me that it's not right to be cheery and happy. There's someone missing, and I'm not able to speak to them anymore.

Here is the truth about my holiday.

I did truly had a wonderful holiday with my boyfriend's family. I'm very thankful that they've welcomed me in with open arms. It's just for the next few Christmases, they will all feel incomplete. We as mourners of someone we lost will not fully be able to enjoy Christmas, or any other holiday the same way again. It may never happen, but that does not mean that we are not thankful for all that those around us have done for us.

As someone who is mourning the loss of someone who was dear to me, I ask that you be patient, and understand that there are going to be times that I just want to break down and cry. I yearn for my mother's voice again, and I yearn to be able to call her on the phone again, but I know that is not possible so please be patient with me. Please excuse me if I have to go to another room and cry,  or if I seem a bit irritable.  Please understand that I have the thoughts of important moments that will take place in my life that my mother should have been there and can't be, like my graduation, and my wedding.  The thoughts of her not being able to meet her grandchildren plagues my mind, and it emotionally hurt to no end.

My circumstance is that my mother's birthday was 2 days before Christmas, and I felt as if I were suffocating within my own feelings.  I felt like I was drowning, and that I was barely hanging on. I just miss her so much, and I wish there was something more I could do to be able to speak with her again. So, the truth about grief and the holidays is that while we may not look like we aren't having a good time, we are but we are still mourning the loss of the one we loved, and there is always going to be an empty feeling in our hearts during this time.

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