Monday, May 15, 2017

★To Motherless Daughters Like Me★

On September 6th, 2014, My world changed forever. My mother had passed away from multiple strokes to the brain. That saddest part is that I am about 400 miles away from her,  and my mother did not update her medical contacts so I did not find out until the next day. It was only the first week of school, and my first full semester at my new college. I remember I called her Friday, excited to tell her, but she said she was not feeling well, so I told her I loved her, and said good bye.

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I had to work through the whole thing. I know that I am not the only one who had to. I work in retail, and people were still shuffling through to get flowers or presents for their moms and wives. I did have my moments where I just wanted to run off and cry in the bathroom. I did not want to be here, but while I did go to the bathroom for a bit, I thought about what my Mom would have said, and what she would have wanted me to do. When I was still living in Indianapolis, she told me that she did not want me to be sad when she was gone, but we all know that is not possible. She also taught me at a young age that sometimes people may be having a hard day too.

I decided that for my Mom, I will make sure that I do my best to make their shopping experience better, and a good one. They all should be out having fun, not shopping for their kids, or getting this week's groceries. Also, my customers do not know that my Mom is gone, heck, even majority of my co workers do not know my Mom passed away, so I can not blame them for asking something with good intentions. The other day I was talking to "G", which is what I would call her, and I wished her a Happy Mummy's Day, and I told her my plans. She was shocked because she just found out that my Mom was not around, and I had planned to do something to honor her. (Basically, got a meal she would have liked, and watched a movie or Disney shows because that was one way my Mom and I would do whenever I went to her place), that's when it dawned on me, that going through all this maybe I still was not comfortable talking about it still to certain people, but I knew for sure I wanted to make other people's day better.

Even in retail I think I stumbled and said something that perhaps I should not have said, but that is because I do not know this person, so there are parts of their lives that I do not know. When I spoke to a woman, she told me about her mother passing, and I apologized immediately knowing how it feels,  and told her my mother passed away too, but then words got caught in my throat. I could not say much more, but I know that I am not at fault for not knowing that after saying "Happy Mother's Day" so I decided to say it to say it when perhaps it was more obvious (like children with them, or they mention their children).  I wanted to hug her, but since I was restricted to my area, I could not leave.

I have been on both sides of this spectrum, and I notice often other people getting mad at their friends, or family, or strangers for saying "insensitive" things. While yes, there are some that are VERY INSENSITIVE, there is still the ideal that they will not fully understand our feelings, and we cannot blame them for that. For now, we can just simply correct them. For example, my boyfriend made a joke about maybe my mom would like a beer with the pizza, and I got so mad at him for that comment, but it was not his fault I realized. He maybe spoke to my mom two or three times on phone and those times, she was not drunk. He did not know, and I can not hold that against him. Let me say this before comments fly in, he has been the biggest support for me since I found out my mom had passed away. He was there when I got the call, and was there to catch me when I collapsed crying after I got off the phone with my aunt, he refused to let me go to Indiana by myself, as well as my friend and her Family, and he's been supporting me through school and more. He's amazing, but he just does not understand how it feels, and I do not want this feeling for him or anyone else.

Basically, I know what you're going through, but we have to also keep in mind that some people just do not get it, and that is not their fault. If they know, and persist on the situation, then maybe rethink your relationship with this person, but if they say it, not realizing how much it hurts, take time away from talking to that person, and then come back and tell them how it made you feel. I know this is hard for people who have just lost their Mother, and trust me, it is still hard for me, and others, but I learned over the years that perhaps I just need to correct them.

Also, never ever feel like you have to explain to people the process of your mourning. This is a huge loss, and yes they do not get it, but it is also something that you have to deal with on a daily basis. If you need to take a day off, then take a day off.  Unfortunately, my job I know, would not give me this day off, and in a sense, I'm kind of glad it didn't, but I want people to know that if you feel like you just can not talk to people this day, or just can not even go outside then don't force yourself too. If you want to set up a separate appreciation day for yourself, then talk to your family about doing so, there is nothing wrong with altering things to make it more easier for yourself.

If anyone ever needs to talk about the loss of someone close to them, my email is always open.

Also, I found comfort in this song:






Song: Last Hope
Artist: Paramore

Lyrics:

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed

But it will happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to
It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has
And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive

Alive

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with the blind hope)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh

Ohhh
Ohhh


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