Monday, November 20, 2017

★Dear Chester: I'm thankful for you and please keep my Mom company in Heaven★

I pondered often about writing this letter in the wake of Chester Bennington's death. It was one that caught me off guard, so I thought I write this for his family, Linkin Park, and him. Since I'm on Thanksgiving break, I'm thankful for you Chester.

Linkin Park has been a band I've held onto since my childhood. I think I was in middle school or something when I first heard them. When I heard the song "In the End", I thought to myself "These guys get it, they get me" I lived in a household that was my brother and my father, and at one time my abusive step mother. No matter what I did to try to impress my "family", it was all in vain because they did not care. The only person who pushed me forward with encouragement was my Mother. Living with my father, I clung onto music and the lyrics that were laid out in front of me to cope with the mishaps of my life.

In 2012, I was kicked out of my Grandma and Father's house because I was "always holding my father back" in his relationships and life. It was a kinder way of putting that he saw me as a burden and since the money stopped rolling in from the government for child support he saw no need for me to live there, or this is how it laid out with his actions because he always thought that I should have moved out at 18 but it would look too bad if he kicked out his daughter, but he ended up doing that anyways, and masked it that I was moving out on my own choice, so I moved far far away which I do not regret at all. I began college, and started my life a new, but it was not easy as I thought I was because all these emotions that I have been scared into locking away just came pouring out like a waterfall, or like an hourglass and the sand rushing out.

Linkin Park's song "Lost in the Echo" and "Burn it down"  conveyed my emotions and was the song I ultimately turned to when I needed to face my inner demons. Moving up to Wisconsin, I got medical help, and I was diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and bi-polar/mood liability disorder. My first psychologist acknowledge that I was in pain, and I did feel abandonment. He explained to me and the family I was staying with for the time being that this was not going to be an easy road of recovering, and that I always tend to have a fight or flight response to situations. My anger and emotions brewed in me so much that it caused out burst, but the family I stayed with never blamed me, but the one who did this to me. There were time where I attempted to take my own life, and I just wanted to fade, and I ended up in the hospital,  but I always thought of Linkin Park's lyrics, and scribbled them in whenever I got a notebook to write in because that is what I spent most of my time doing is writing anyways. After a while things seem to be getting better. I kept the song "Lost in the Echo" close during this part in my life, and whenever things got hard, or something happens between my father, I remember these lines of the song, so I do not falter, and I just don't give up.

So you can let it be known
I don't hold back, I hold my own
I can't be mapped, I can't be cloned
I can't C-flat, it ain't my tone
I can't fall back, I came too far
Hold myself up and love my scars
Let the bells ring wherever they are

Things seem to be getting a bit better, and I actually began to date again, but then September 06, 2014 happened.  My mother passed away, and it started up a whole different storm, and mixed with the old one that I had. The songs "Leave it all the rest" "Powerless" and most recently "One more light" have taken on a whole new meaning. To be honest, I could not listen to Powerless for the longest of time because I would break out a cry, but thank you for the song. I learned to cope with the loss this way, and it was not easy. My mother was battling mental illness, and was living on welfare. When I moved, she began drinking, and it upset me the most because I would want to talk to her and she'd be too drunk. For years I blamed myself for my mother's Schizophrenia. I thought, me being born caused it so I lived with that, on top of the treatment from my father. I never got to see her as a whole person because she was cremated and they couldn't contact me sooner because my mother never updated my number with the hospital because she did not want to bother or worry me. I went to classes becaue I knew she wouldn't want me to miss them, and I had to graduate more than ever know, but I let myself slip away, and nearly lost myself. Losing her left this permanent empty void, but now I'm coming to to think of it as an empty void but more of the reserved spot for her in my heart.

 There is no grave site for her, and her family placed all her ashes on where my grandmother is to be buried. I wanted to so badly scoop her up, but honestly I was frozen in shock, and all the while I tried not crying because I wanted to stay strong for my older brother. I understand full heartedly that we can only hold in so much until it comes to fall out, and we do not talk about anything to anyone because we think we're inconveniencing them with our problems or thoughts, but that's not the case at all.

To Linkin Park: Thank you so much for everything, and I still will hold you close to my heart and listen to your music to help sort through my own thoughts. I am still working on grief as my college graduation is coming up and my Mother will not be there. Thank you for saying all the things I couldn't voice out on my own because I was too scared, it felt as if you all were huddled around me and you were there when I needed you. Blasting the music to drown out my father's yelling helped, and was effective to get the message across to him what he was doing. I love him for he's my father, but I can't forget what he's done.

To Chester: I'm sorry if you felt alone, and I want you to know that we as fans, and your dearest fans will watch over your family. You fought your battle, and I will not say you were defeated. I'm also sorry to you (and Linkin Park) that I did not get to see any of your shows. If you could Chester, keep my Mom company up there, she's a great lady, and I know she would be thankful knowing I had you and Linkin Park as a positive force in my life. She always loved music I listened to because it all had good messages, or conveyed  a lot of emotions.

To the Bennington family: First, I want to say that none of this is any of your faults. As you get older, I know that these emotions will stir, and even if it's brief will come up, but it is not your fault. You guys were an amazing family and support for him, and I won't lie that it's going to be easy, when in fact it's going to be like an never ending rollercoaster. Keep your head up, and we got your back if you need us to catch you. Fuck Depression!

I'm not going to put tags in this post because I'm not going to want it to get "tagged" attention, but I will post it on my twitter and go from there.

Songs like "Numb" "In the End" and so on have come to express the words I could not say to my father for I fear he would yell at me. Thank you Linkin Park, thank you for saying the words that I was so ever afraid to speak. Thank you again for helping me find the strength to heal when I needed you the most.

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