Sunday, February 18, 2018

★I'm Trying New Things★Weekly Blog 1★

Hello all my lovely people!!!!!

How are you? It has been quite some time since my big announcement hasn't it!
I am doing well. I thought I insert this before I started studying.
So, I'm working to put myself out there more, and that includes joining clubs, or trying different aspects to get out and interact with my campus.

SO, the big question is why haven't I done this sooner?

Here's the bigger scope. I transferred to my current college in the Fall of 2014. I was excited, and I had already been taking Japanese there so this would be great, and I did not have to worry about the fact that the school didn't understand that I permanently reside in Wisconsin. (Yup! I'm a Wisconsinite-Hoosier Hybrid!). I felt great and on top of the world. My professors for my Math class understood that I was not a math major, and so on.

Then it just kind of came crashing down. You know how in anime or some cartoons they add the sound like a window breaking in the background for dramatic effect. Well, when I received the news my Mother passed away, I heard it...I felt it.

Now, I've mentioned my Mother's death quite a few times in previous blogs. The site has been inactive for a couple years to prove its effect on me. I literally feel a gaping hole in my heart still, but I know that I cannot stop living life. Things started on a decline. My grades dropped and I was on probation for like 3 semesters I think...maybe 2. I lost motivation to study Japanese, and anything else. I just wanted to live under a rock.

It was rough, and that was putting it lightly. It was as if I reverted back to a child who had lost its favorite toy, but this was worse. There was literally a feeling of a hole in my heart. I did not want to face the day. After a while, after being thrust into the world of living with my boyfriend (a gentle thrust, rightfully so as well), to get a job, and to continue studying even though these past couple semesters were awful. I began to recollect myself. Slowly things started getting better and I began getting back to places that I should be. I'm even able to have a photo of my Mom out on my desk...yeah she's telling me to get my homework done.

Things were so just torn apart, but I am so thankful for the family I had up here to help me glue it back together, and help push me to go on. I remember one day talking to my Mom, and it caught me off guard, but she told me that Don't be sad when I pass away, Continue with your life, and it just dawned on me now that my Mom had already accepted that she was going to die one day. I remember freaking out and asking he why she would say that, but I knew she just wanted what was best for me. To "prepare" me in a sense and understand that she wasn't afraid.

I still miss her, and I still ache for her. I'm getting better at telling people that "My Mother passed away", but it's still hard because I still miss her. It's been 3 years and about 2 months since she passed. I ask myself daily "Where did the time go?" and it still feels like yesterday.

However, I am changing, and growing. I'm slowly coming to terms with her being gone, and I understand there are some nights where I will cry for her. The night of and before my college graduation most definitely will be one of them. I am trying new things this semester. I'm going to try un-isolate myself from the world, and I'm ready for new challenges.


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